Memories

Everyone has felt lonely at one time or another, regardless of their magnitude of wealth, size of family, extension of the friendship circle, or position in a crowd. It crawls on your skin like a shadow, quickly making its way into your heart. Once you have experienced this alienation you will never forget it, and you can never adequately explain the depth of it.
I live alone now, but it wasnt always so. Once, our house too was full of laughter and life. The absence of both makes my memories now.

When i was little, i mean really little, like six or seven, i remember dreaming of being 65 someday and living alone by myself and how happy i would be. I dont know why i fixed on 65 as the optimum age. (I must have heard grown ups talking about retirement or something). Of course i also remember composing my epitaph at the same age. Having said that, i am really irritated that i dont remember what it was.

Well im not 65 as yet, but im alone with my memories. It has been drizzly and pleasant here for the last few days for a change, and i remember how we all were snug in the house together once, undoubtedly very happy in our own small world. I can easily recall listening to their humorous stories at the dinner table right now.

Gradually, each year that passed, left an empty chair. They were no longer happy together. Where as years before, we opened tons of presents at various occasions. Now i open one. The dinner table that was once a place of laughter and memories, had become a place where arguements broke out. I missed the memories and past then and i miss them today. Silence screams in my ears and holidays have become lonely. There is a tough… a well built wall of deception, isolation and …most of all rejection, that wont let me move on and allow me to see things beyond the physical world. These are the visions my memory drags out when confronted with words like “family”. No rich traditions as such in my bloodline, none i was part of anyway. The only one to stand by me is the only one i would stand with. I call her Nina. She is the only other member in what i think of as our family. We may have been born black sheep, we may have been elected to the job, but we will likely die black sheep outcast from the flock.